fatherhood firsts and therapy: it's not that deep, but it is
With all the small miracles that present themselves daily, there’s something about firsts. 24th June 2023 marked the first year of life for my first child and my first year of fatherhood.
What can I say about fatherhood, one year in?
It’s humbling.
I’m not so sure humility is a matter of personality or whether life just waits for the right opportunity to mould that disposition into you. At least part of fatherhood’s humbling effect is the intense paradox of the experience.
There’s a tension between control and surrender that you have to acclimatise yourself to. Striking a balance between “it’s not that deep” and “he’s an emotional sponge so everything you do is ceaselessly consequential” is messy business.
How quickly cuddles and laughs descend to tears and claws: There have been many moments I’ve genuinely considered whether my son even likes me. Then attempting, even if by projecting my own sensibilities, to enter his mind – utterly dependent on you and limited in means to communicate – appreciate how frustrating his position must be.
I heard an amusing theory somewhere that the human need to understand through story stems from the attempts as a baby to reconcile our caregivers' inadequacies, and the fact that they are the primary means of having our needs gratified. The space between these dual realities is where narrative forms.
What story is Kofi telling himself when he's inconsolable and his dad clumsily discerns between whether hunger, thirst or excessive warmth is his current source of discomfort? Is it a story of frustration?
If so, that's at least an emotion I understand well. It's the inherited furniture that comes with the idea of being misunderstood. An idea that has made quite the home in my mind, despite recent revelations that its presence is no longer welcome. Because although at one point the story of being misunderstood might have validated my tendency to diminish or disregard fundamental realities of my own feelings, it's become clear that there are no victimless injustices, even when performed against yourself.
It's very easy for a narrow and distorted view of masculine fortitude to debase the human requirement to acknowledge and express emotion in a healthy way. When it comes to interpersonal displays that are nestled in a willingness to be vulnerable, I find a deep resistance that low maintenance friendships and detached family dynamics can hide. Despite the strides I've made, opening up is still a challenge.
One thing about fatherhood is that it can inspire a bias to action if you allow it to. During a particularly despondent fog, I figured I could probably benefit from therapy to unpack and address my emotional hangups. In part, offloading some mental baggage just seemed sensible if I want to curb the draining effect it seems to have on me.
Largely though, I'm hyperaware, even in the midst of it, that my low-moods and burnouts negatively influence my ability to be a present husband and father and that scares me. It brings to the fore that a strong motivating factor for me is a fear of failure; of falling short of "success" and the bitterness that could ensue.
So whilst a fear of failure is the impetus for me to "do the work", it also casts an untenable ideal of perfection that my inevitable inabilities to realise stears towards self-flagellation. It spins me how aware you can be of something on an intellectual level and nonetheless fall back into patterns of behaviour.
I still haven't learnt to give myself grace or treat myself "just because", or for that matter recognise let alone celebrate my achievements as such.
These are all things, among others, that I believe are imminent to my next phase of development, and I hope therapy can support with. I've only had a couple of sessions so time will tell, but there was one insight my therapist surmised from our introductory session that has stuck with me.
“Based on your upbringing, it seems like you might link your sense of ‘achieving’ with your sense of feeling alive”
I think I'll be to sitting with that for a while.
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