tyred

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

You may or may not have noticed that last Wednesday no reflections were published. That's not to say that no reflections were had - quite the opposite.

I had a short spell of sickness, maybe 3 days total, followed by a regaining of strength which ultimately lulled me into a false sense of recovery before fatigue and ache gripped my body again.

Over time I've come to appreciate the reality of psychosomatic interactions. My body is the last frontier of communication that something needs addressing when my mental faculties are engaged in everything but attentiveness to its needs.

I don't know if it's something about being a man that necessitates unambiguous pain to realise we're driving on weathered tyres which soon could be naked wheels on tarmac.

I suspect the couple bouts of alopecia I've had in the past were examples of this. More commonly though, it's just a rundown-ness that was once rare to the point of noteworthiness, but in the last year has become, at least comparatively, frequent?

I think I took my foot off the gas just at the right time to not burn out, but I recognise a closer inspection of my modus operandi is needed. So, I broke my 16 week streak to rest a little, and think a lot. I'm still working through some mental admin which may require some breathing space not condusive to weekly publishing, but on the tailwind of selfcare, a reflection for this Wednesday did present itself.

hyperindependence

Several weeks ago, the Twitter algorithm decided to invite an interrogation of my subconscious behaviours in the form of an article on "hyperindependence". It pricked my ear initially because it wasn't the first time the topic, or something adjacent had floated by me.

"Hyper independence is when we only rely on ourselves, and struggle with a healthy level of interdependence"

Granted, I had never heard the term until then, but the more I read about the tendencies of those who demonstrate it, the more it felt like I was being read. I called out the eight signs to my wife as we lay in bed and turned to her before suggesting, “some of this kind of sounds like me”. She looked back at me like I’d understated the wetness of water, which to be fair, is pretty on brand for me.

“Kind of!?...You’re a textbook case”.

It’s equal parts assuring and annoying when something so revelatory to you is greeted with the equivalent of “durr” by your significant other. Assuring because you know they're speaking from a thoroughly informed (but loving) place, but annoying because, why the hell am I just now engaging with the idea that some definitive traits of my personality are quite possibly legacy of some childhood stress response and was she ever planning to tell me I'm a bit of a weirdo?

It turns out that she had tried a few times. Apparently I wasn't too receptive to it.

"... you may strugge to trust others and choose to unduly burden yourself which can lead to stress, burnout, resentment, loneliness, imposter syndrome, avoidant attachment style, anxiety and depression. Hyper-independence is often caused by trauma in upbringing and low self-esteem."

Trauma is a loaded word. When I hear it, it envokes thoughts of deep scarring events and waking up in sweats from vivid flashbacks - not the somewhat hidden maladaptive behaviours of a grown man.

Beyond the feeling of inadequacy in claiming trauma, there's also betrayal, guilt and ingratitude baked into the idea that maybe, despite my parents presumably best efforts, something in my upbringing produced sub-optimal conditioning for my longterm interactions with the world.

I'm not quite ready to unpack all of that– at least not publicly– but in the spirit of sharing, I invite you to reflect on these signs for yourselves. How much of it rings true to you?

I've bolded the sentences from the article that particularly resonated with me. As you can see, my wife's assessment of "textbook case" presents a strong argument.

1) You were considered an overachiever as a child. You took tasks seriously and were mainly praised for your ability, or your achievements were expected/overlooked and not particularly celebrated. Outside of your achievements, you were not affirmed very often.

2) You feel a continuous pressure to work and achieve. You never feel like you’ve done enough and you don’t bask in your accomplishments. You always feel like there is more to do. This can be a result of the fact that you were brought up in an environment where achievement was expected and not celebrated, so it is subsequently difficult to take a moment to acknowledge your efforts, as it is just normal for you and hard to register as noteworthy.

3) You struggle to ask for help or delegate duty. The vulnerability required in needing help is difficult for you to come to terms with as it is equivalent to admitting deficiency and can make you self-critical. You feel like others aren’t as competent as you and so can’t adequately help anyway. You also don't want to be a burden or fear that you may be too much of a hassle and take up too much of other people's space/time with your needs.

4) You’re a perfectionist. No matter how much you achieve, you don't feel like it's enough. You have this nagging feeling that you could be doing better, despite the praise and recognition that others give you. You criticise yourself a lot and always set ridiculously difficult-to-reach standards. This can cause performance anxiety and procrastination.

5) You constantly expect that others will disappoint you. You don’t trust that others will care or are skilled enough to support you in the way you need. You can be there for others but find it pointless to rely on people. You think you’re the most competent and dependable. This is a protective mechanism as you may have been disappointed before and deep down you may feel undeserving of support.

6) You struggle to acknowledge difficult emotions in yourself. You mainly notice that you’re struggling when you have physical symptoms, you are out of touch with emotional signs like stress, burnout and sadness. You power through until your body stops you via symptoms such as irritability, fatigue, headaches/migraines, body aches and palpitations.

7) You are considered “the strong friend”. You’re there for everyone. You don’t let others know about your issues or rely on them, so people naturally assume your life is great and you don’t have unmet needs. Especially as you have an achievement streak in the material world! This can make you feel alone and resentful, despite you having people around you. You don't let them into your inner world to know that everything is not perfect for you.

8) You bury yourself in work/education - places that you can be rewarded objectively and aren't necessarily dependent on how well you connect with other people.

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